Raising the Antichrist or Just Bad Parenting

The parents are terrified of their 7-year-old son. They tremble at the mere thought of displeasing the little monster they created. The child in question looks pretty normal. Except when someone (most definitely not the parents) says the dreaded “no.” There is a fearful gasp from the parents. They cannot believe someone dared to deny their son something. The mother will point out meekly that their child doesn’t like to hear the word “no,” wishing and hoping that someone would agree and give the boy whatever he wants. The parents begin to sweat profusely. The child transforms into someone barely recognizable. There is a tantrum that could move the heavens and earth. The parents run around to do whatever the child wishes as if a supernatural force compels them. You may think that this is the feared antichrist. There is no bloodthirsty rottweiler in sight and no 666s. Just a child raised under the flag of bad parenting.

Is Being Permissive Truly Bad?

We covered parenting styles in a previous blog. Although this blog is about badly raised children and bad parenting, we will correlate this to permissive parenting (we suggest you read a previous blog by clicking the text in bold). Please note that we are not implying that permissive parenting is bad parenting itself. We will discuss the absence of accountability, authority and lack of discipline as bad parenting.

Two things characterize indulgent or permissive parenting:

1. being nurturing and warm – which is a great thing

2. not imposing any rules, consequences or discipline – which is absolutely horrendous

As we said earlier, permissive parenting is not bad parenting. The bad part only comes from the fact that the parents do not monitor or regulate their children or impose discipline.  The result of this is something everyone fears – children not having impulse control, anti-social behaviour and little empathy.

One Spoiled Brat

Remember Veruca Salt from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory?

She was such an annoying brat! Her parents are at her beck and call, never knowing when to stop. The parents always give in to all her whims without her having to work for it. And when she doesn’t get her way, she throws a fit, forcing her parents’ hand. For example, in the story, she sets her sight on the Golden Ticket. And because Veruca has uttered it, it must happen. Her father, Mr. Salt, stops manufacturing at their factory just so ALL the workforce can unwrap obscene amounts of chocolate bars in search of the Golden Ticket. And when the search takes too long, Veruca throws another tantrum as the parents look on helplessly. And then there are many examples throughout the book and movies of Veruca’s insolence, impulsiveness, lack of patience and even empathy for others.

Real Life Bad Parenting

In a known case, a girl, an only child for most of her life, lived the life of a spoiled princess. Her parents never failed to cater to her every whim. When she began school, she was so used to being the centre of attention that she resented the other children. She also hated waiting for her turn at the swings and waiting for her turn to play with her favourite toys. At home, she never had to work for any of these things. Parents instantly fulfil the words that leave the child’s mouth. Eventually, teachers noted disturbing behaviour: she secretly pinched and hurt other kids. The result was a meeting with the parents, who had the grace to blush beet red. They admitted that they feared the child’s fits and tantrums and could never turn her down. But in this one embarrassing event, they learned an important lesson: that their child needed to be reined in and that nobody apart from them would tolerate the child’s behaviour, and they must work on it.

The Bad Side of Permissive Parenting

Well, for one thing, children raised by parents who never enforce boundaries are brats, as seen in the examples above. But that’s not all. There is so much more to the picture.

Poor Performance in School

When parents are lax and avoid monitoring their child’s school activities, performance goals are also not provided, which leads to lower academic achievements.

Impulsiveness and Aggression

Parents who don’t control and regulate their children’s behaviour must be aware of the consequences. Their children are unaware of acceptable behaviour and have poor impulse control. They also have behavioural problems sometimes. In adverse conditions, children of such parents may also become aggressive.

No or Little Emotional Self-Regulation 

Babies are not born with emotional regulation. The skill can be learned as children grow. However, when parents are unwilling to lay down rules and give in to their children’s demands easily, they grow up without self-regulation skills. They have difficulties controlling their emotions and behaviour. This can result in problems forming relationships with peers and others and navigating and negotiating the world around them.

Risky Behaviour

Because the children have grown up without parental guidance or monitoring, children may exhibit risky behaviour. Teenagers often rebel. But combined with overly indulging parenting, lack of self-regulation and no accountability, children may show misconduct, become violent with others or even begin substance abuse because they have poor impulse control.

Poor Social Skills

As discussed previously, children of permissive parents are raised with very little or no boundaries. They may have little understanding of socially acceptable or inappropriate behaviours. They also have little empathy, which leads to poor social skills.

Risk of Developing Anxiety

Children of parents who have never turned them down or denied anything at risk of developing childhood anxiety. It’s because they always get away with everything and receive everything they have demanded. When an adverse situation arises, or they don’t get what they want, the children cannot cope. This results in anxiety, frustration and even aggression.

What Does Indulgence Look Like

Being Lenient 

Permissive or indulgent parents are too lax. They avoid authority over the children. The parents also seek their child’s advice on important matters. It may look like the child is driving them! The parents hardly monitor their kids or guide them. Even if rules were laid down (which is rare), they are hardly ever enforced. And children are rarely if ever,  disciplined for inappropriate behaviours.

Aspiration towards Being the Child’s Friend

There is a difference between being friends with your child and being friendly. Permissive parents wish to be friends with their children. And when they are friends, that’s precisely what a child sees, not someone in authority.

No Responsibility

Children of permissive parents rarely have any responsibility. They are even free of the responsibility of homework. Permissive moms often complete their child’s homework (or get someone else to do it). The children are also never shown how to behave responsibly and that their actions might have consequences.

Letting Children Decide Important Matters

Letting children decide important domestic or familial matters is a hallmark of indulgent parents. Involving children in everyday decisions, such as what clothes to wear, is a great way to prepare your child. But letting them decide their daily bedtime, whether or not they want to go to school, and other decisions, especially big ones, should not be handed over to children.

Conclusion

Today’s blog is about bad parenting disguised as permissive parenting. Readers have learned about the consequences of such parenting and what to look out for. Two examples, one fictional and one from real life, are also provided to help readers understand what children of such parenting practices look like. The blog aims to guide parents and would-be parents to choose an appropriate parenting style to help them raise happy, healthy, considerate and well-behaved children.